God Bless America!

Based On A True Story.

Hi. My name is Samantha. Samantha Brown, though I'm not brown.
In fact I'm as white as the first snow like my daddy used to say. My daddys name is John by the way. Or was John, he's dead now.
One day he went out for a walk and didn't come back. After a couple of hours my mum went out looking for him and found him laying on the street just two blocks away. Some drunk driver had ran over him and escaped.
Well, I don't know if the driver was drunk but I guess he was. This was a Saturday night and everybody's drunk on Saturday nights. Especially where I grove up, in Jacksonville, Texas.

In Jacksonville they don't like people who talks too much. They call them chatterboxes, and no one wants to be a chatterbox. I guess that's even worse than beeing a jukebox and always have to sing silly songs that folks want to hear. But I am a chatterbox and that's nothing I can do about. I have also always been very honest with what I feel and stuff. And that's also something that irritates people. If you're going to be a chatterbox you should keep to subjects like the weather, shopping, sports, school... you know - things that doesn't really matter that much. You shouldn't talk about serious things like death, politics, the future, the meaning of life... Those things you should keep to yourself and never talk about. At least that's what people think in Jacksonville.

Mummy and I didn't mourn my dad very much though. None of us really liked him. He could be nice somtimes but he could also be very cruel. He could sit on my bed and telling the most fabolous stories about the one-eyed midget Gaodowin and the monster rabbit Mr. Toddy in a country far, far away. And then, after some hours when he thought I was sleeping, I could hear how he started to scream and beat up my mum down in the kitchen.
I've never slept well. Nowadays I'm taking pills but as I child I could lay in my bed for hours and just listening to my parents quarreling downstairs. I was afraid of the darkness too and the monster rabbits that I thought would appear when I turned off the lamp. Mummy told me that I shouldn't be afraid of what I couldn't se but of what I could see. I guess she was right.

When I was nineteen I moved to New York and took a job at McDonalds. That's where I met Frankie Lee. Frankie Lee came there almost every day and ordered a Double McCheese. At that time you could get that for only one and a half dollar. Now that's what I call a cheap burger! Frankie Lee didn't look too good. Later he told me that he was in a fire accident as a child and that's why his face was damaged. To be honest I was a bit afraid of him first. But then, after a while, I started to feel sorry for him 'cause he was always sitting by himself and he looked really depressed. So I moved over to him and asked him how he was doin'. And then he told me the story of his life and I ain't gonna repeat here but I tell you that I was the saddest story I've ever heard. He didn't seem to have any friends and no job either.
"You see, no one would employ a guy like me" he cried and I had to promise him to ask my boss and see if he could get him a job at McDonalds.

And you know what? He did. Frankie Lee got the job as Ronald McDonald, the clown. That was perfect for Frankie Lee 'cause he had always loved children and when he had his clown mask on no one could see his ugly face.
I started to like Frankie Lee more and more. When we finished work we used to take a milkshake together at a place called The Korova Milkbar. And when we were sitting there he told me funny stories with his funny voice and I told him about Jeremy who was a weird guy that I went to class with as a kid and who could do the chickenwalk and Frankie Lee smiled and he never called me chatterbox! Not even once. He only called me Honey-bunny which I liked much more than chatterbox.

But one day I found him just as depressed as before he got the job and when I asked him what the matter was he showed me this letter. I looked at it and saw that it was a kind of death threat from someone called Mr. Blue.
"Who's Mr. Blue?" I asked him.
"Mr. Blue is New York's king of cocaine."
"And why does he want to kill you?"
"He doesn't want to kill me; he wants to kill my brother, Donnie. Donnie has been on drugs since he was fifteen. He buys his cocaine from one of Mr. Blue's guys but for the last years he hasn't got enough money to pay. So he tells Mr. Blue's fella that he would pay the next time, and the next time, and so on... but he never does! And now Mr. Blue is tired of waiting, so he would kill Donnie if he doesn't get the money soon."
"Oh I see. I'm really sorry."
"Yeah, Donnie asked me if I could pay Mr. Blue but you know that I don't have much money either."
"Have you been to the police with this?"
"The police? Are you crazy?! If Mr. Blue finds out out that I'm talking with the police he would get Donnie killed instantly."
"Oh, I see. Well, how much is it then?"
"It's about sixteen thousand dollars."
"Oh, that's pretty much money, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah. It is."
"But you know what? I've saved some money. I guess that I have about twenty bucks on my account now. Maybe we could give them to Mr. Blue?"
"Oh... that's absolutely fantastic! But are you sure you wanna do that... I mean, you don't even know my brother."
"Don't be silly. Of course I would do anything that I can to save your brother."

And that's how I met Mr. Jerry. We were told to deliver the money behind the Washington statue in Central Park at Friday midnight. Frankie Lee said that he would go there alone but I insisted to follow him 'cause my mum always used to say that two are better than one.
When we came there we didn't see anyone, but then suddenly we saw a flashlight and then a tall guy with a bowler on his head came walking towards us. He told us that his name was Mr. Jerry and that he was here to get the money. So I gave him the money which we had put very carefully into a black bag with a label on that said Samsonite. But in the same second as I were handing over the money he looked me into my eyes and I started to shake 'cause he had this very intense look and his eyes were red, like snake eyes. And then he said to me:
"Mr. Blue wants to see you."
And then he took up a gun and said to Frankie Lee:
"Don't you move!" And Frankie Lee didn't move. He just stood still as he was paralyzed or something and then me and Mr. Jerry walked away to Mr. Jerry's car which was a black porche and all I could think of at that time was that my dad hated porches and that if someone called Mr. Jerry would tell him to step into one he would most certainly shout "Bagger off!" to Mr. Jerry.
But I didn?t shout "Bagger off!" No, I stepped into the backseat of the vehicle and Mr. Jerry drove me for what must have been at least one hour.
Then we walked into a big office building and took the elevator up to the tenth floor and there I meet Mr. Blue for the first time.

Mr. Blue wasn't how I had expected him to be at all. He was quite short and fat and had this very clear voice that made him sound almost like a baby. In a way he was a baby too. He was used to get everything he wanted and right now he wanted to fuck me. And so we fucked.

For three weeks I was fucking him. Everytime before we started he tied a plastic bag around his head so he became really dizzy and then he fucked me, first very slowly but then faster and faster. Sometimes he could bite my nipples when we fucked and that hurt a lot.
When we didn't fuck I was locked up in a room without any windows and just a small bed and a toilet. Two times every day I got some food, it was always the same and it didn't taste anything.
But then one day I heard how someone unlocked the door from the outside and I thought that it must be the guy with the food but when it opened I saw an one-eyed midget with a tall beard standing there. He went over to me, bowed and said:
"Mr. Gaodowin at your service."
"Oh... really? I thought you only existed in a country far, far away."
"No time to speak. Come with me, princess!"
"Wait a minute... I'm not a princess and why should I trust you? My dad used to say that you were evil."
"Don't be silly princess, come with me!"
And so he took my hand and we started to run along the hallway to the elevator. When we were inside the elevator Gaodowin asked me to lift him up so he could reach the buttons. I did so and he pressed on the button for the fourteenth floor.
"Please tell me Mr. Gaodowin, why are we going up?"
"Oh, don't ask so many questions - chatterbox!" he replied and glowered at me.
While we were talking the elevator was moving and when we had passed the thirteenth floor he pressed the stop button.
"Welcome to the thirteenth-and-a-half floor!" he said as the door opened.

And there we were. Again in a long hallway, the only difference was that in this hallway the ceiling was much closer to the floor so when I walked I had to bend forward. But Mr. Gaodowin could of course walk just as normal.
At the end of the hallway was a big open window. When we reached it I couldn't believe my eyes 'cause there, right outside the window, was a big spaceship just like the ones you can see in movies and such.
"Come on in!" said Mr. Gaodowin and so we went into the spaceship. I was even more surprised when I discovered that the spaceship was driven by the monster rabbit, Mr. Toddy.

For ten days we traveled with the spaceship and everytime I asked Mr. Gaodowin where we were going he just shouted: "Chatterbox!" And it wasn't any idea to ask Mr. Toddy any questions either 'cause he could only speak backwards.
But then, on the tenth day we landed on a big field. When we came out of the spaceship the frst thing I saw was a scarecrow who came walking towards us. Now, when you have seen an one-eyed midget, a spaceship and a rabbit that only talks backwards nothing could be more natural then a living scarecrow so I wasn't that surprised when he started to talk with me.
"Hello there! I'm Mr. Humperdinck! And I am the one who will escort you to Emmerdale."
"That's very nice of you, but where's Emmerdale? And why are we going there?"
"In Emmerdale the grass is green and the sky is blue. And you could have a glass of lemon juice for only one dollar. Now that's what I call cheap lemon juice!"
I had to admit that it was a very cheap price.

And so we went. For six years we walked, through deserts and jungles, through cities and forest, over mountains and seas. We met a lot of strange animals and people along the way, for example a unicorn, a bear who walked on two legs and had a red t-shirt, a powerful wizard, and a magic oak.

And so one warm day in the middle of June we finally reached Emmerdale. And there, sitting in the corner of an old pub, was Frankie Lee and he hadn't changed a bit! We got married in Emmerdale and a lot of people came to see the wedding. There were Frankie Lee's brother Donnie, the scarecrow, the midget and even Mr. Blue (who now wasn't evil any longer).

The day after the marriage we took a plane back to New York and when we landed at the airport the president himself were there to welcome us home and thank us for saving America. To celebrate we went to McDonalds with the president and bought ourselves three Double McCheese. And when I saw the price I had to laugh. 'Cause after all the years that had passed since we were there before the cheeseburger still didn't cost more then one and a half dollar.
Now isn't that amazing?


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